A look at the research-backed signs of emotional maturity that predict relationship success—and why settling for less keeps you stuck in toxic patterns.
Thanks for the article. I'm wondering if you could point me towards the studies that found men emotional matured 11 years after women? I looked around but I couldn't manage to find it.
The claim you mention comes from a 2013 UK survey commissioned by Nickelodeon UK, not from developmental psychology, neuroscience, or longitudinal research. Admittedly, I should not have used the word "study" and should have written "survey"instead.
One research study i found showed significant gender differences in emotional maturity: Chaplin (2015). Gender and Emotion Expression: A Developmental Contextual Perspective
Clinically, in populations of men and women in their twenties, those differences show, and I believe they are linked to biological development and motherhood. For millennia women had children in their late teens and early twenties, so it kind of makes sense. Females mature earlier biologically. Puberty starts earlier, cortical maturation occurs earlier on average, and girls tend to outperform boys in self-regulation and impulse control during adolescence. Young women generally score higher on traits related to emotional functioning.
The evolutionary argument would be that, for much of human history, females who successfully navigated social relationships, infant care, and cooperative networks would have had a reproductive advantage. Human infants are exceptionally dependent, so traits related to attunement, caregiving, and social cognition may have been under stronger selection pressure in women.
I cried reading this. I have been back and forth with someone immature and now I finally have the strength to leave it permanently… again. Sometimes we don’t know why we’re back, and I’m finding out, it’s because I needed the validation of my previous thoughts with a much clearer head. Having grown up in a not nice environment, I have become the person and model I needed for those hard times. I continue to do self work, continue to be curious about myself and the world. Thank you for writing this and helping me strengthen my own sense of self.
Beautifully articulated, thank you. I've shared this with my sister and daughter.
My conundrum is that as a single woman approaching 58, I just don't seem to come across any emotionally intelligent men. This doesn't agree with the research you cite. I'm in the UK but is this a generational thing you think?
Thank you! There are most probably cultural biases and influences at play that will have a generational effect too. Our subjective experience is also linked to the narrowing of our social sphere as we get older (my personal experience too...). After 50, we're more cautious, we filter more, our social playground shrinks. Most importantly I think it has to do with education. Emotional intelligence is a learned process that requires a growth mindset. You might have more luck if you try changing a few parameters in the criteria you use for selection. I found this worked for me.
When I read the title I immediately knew I would definitely enjoy this read, and I wanted to have a look at it, and goodness I wasn’t wrong. You have masterfully articulated this piece, I love the depth and detailed explanation, very thought provoking and beautifully presented. I have subscribed and looking forward to reading more of your work 🌹❤️
This is information that should be taught through every level of our basic education and reinforced constantly. These points seem so basic, straightforward, intuitive and innate in reading and yet we need to learn so much about ourselves!
I think this info applies for all our relationships, from the rude person at the bank queue to our partners. We really need to get out of ourselves and see other perspectives. Ubiquitous and permanent awareness of our actions and reactions is a game changer. It is a basic life skill indeed.
Hi Rob,
Thanks for the article. I'm wondering if you could point me towards the studies that found men emotional matured 11 years after women? I looked around but I couldn't manage to find it.
Hi Andrew.
The claim you mention comes from a 2013 UK survey commissioned by Nickelodeon UK, not from developmental psychology, neuroscience, or longitudinal research. Admittedly, I should not have used the word "study" and should have written "survey"instead.
One research study i found showed significant gender differences in emotional maturity: Chaplin (2015). Gender and Emotion Expression: A Developmental Contextual Perspective
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4469291/?utm_source=chatgpt.com
But i'm not sure it's that clean-cut.
Clinically, in populations of men and women in their twenties, those differences show, and I believe they are linked to biological development and motherhood. For millennia women had children in their late teens and early twenties, so it kind of makes sense. Females mature earlier biologically. Puberty starts earlier, cortical maturation occurs earlier on average, and girls tend to outperform boys in self-regulation and impulse control during adolescence. Young women generally score higher on traits related to emotional functioning.
The evolutionary argument would be that, for much of human history, females who successfully navigated social relationships, infant care, and cooperative networks would have had a reproductive advantage. Human infants are exceptionally dependent, so traits related to attunement, caregiving, and social cognition may have been under stronger selection pressure in women.
Beautiful article
I have a hard time believing 66% of Americans have a secure attachment style lol
😂 Honestly, I have a hard time believing it too...
Great article. Lil' typo to smidgeon here: What emotional maturity should looks like. Drop should? Or make looks look? Keep it up!
Thank you.
I cried reading this. I have been back and forth with someone immature and now I finally have the strength to leave it permanently… again. Sometimes we don’t know why we’re back, and I’m finding out, it’s because I needed the validation of my previous thoughts with a much clearer head. Having grown up in a not nice environment, I have become the person and model I needed for those hard times. I continue to do self work, continue to be curious about myself and the world. Thank you for writing this and helping me strengthen my own sense of self.
Thank you for your sincere feedback. I'm glad this helped
Beautifully articulated, thank you. I've shared this with my sister and daughter.
My conundrum is that as a single woman approaching 58, I just don't seem to come across any emotionally intelligent men. This doesn't agree with the research you cite. I'm in the UK but is this a generational thing you think?
Thank you! There are most probably cultural biases and influences at play that will have a generational effect too. Our subjective experience is also linked to the narrowing of our social sphere as we get older (my personal experience too...). After 50, we're more cautious, we filter more, our social playground shrinks. Most importantly I think it has to do with education. Emotional intelligence is a learned process that requires a growth mindset. You might have more luck if you try changing a few parameters in the criteria you use for selection. I found this worked for me.
When I read the title I immediately knew I would definitely enjoy this read, and I wanted to have a look at it, and goodness I wasn’t wrong. You have masterfully articulated this piece, I love the depth and detailed explanation, very thought provoking and beautifully presented. I have subscribed and looking forward to reading more of your work 🌹❤️
Thank you for your kind words 🙏
This is information that should be taught through every level of our basic education and reinforced constantly. These points seem so basic, straightforward, intuitive and innate in reading and yet we need to learn so much about ourselves!
I think this info applies for all our relationships, from the rude person at the bank queue to our partners. We really need to get out of ourselves and see other perspectives. Ubiquitous and permanent awareness of our actions and reactions is a game changer. It is a basic life skill indeed.
Thank you Rob!
You're right Edgar, it should be basic education, but it's far from the case unfortunately...