How To Overcome Social Anxiety
Social anxiety disorder is characterized by a constant fear of being judged by others. It is also associated with a lack of understanding of what allows us to create and assert our identity.
Clichés and popular sayings endure because they seem to be universal truths. But they are double-edged. Whether they are useful or harmful depends entirely on the moment and the context.
The adage "Stop worrying about what other people think of you" is a perfect example of how a well-intentioned saying can sometimes do more harm than good, especially for people who suffer from social anxiety.
Anxiety is a mental and physical state of negative expectation. On a psychological level, it is characterized by heightened apprehension that turns into anxiety. Physically, it manifests itself in the unpleasant somatic activation of anxiety-related symptoms, all to facilitate the response to a danger, whether real or imagined.
Let's take a closer look. Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, is more than just shyness, introversion or nervousness when meeting people. It's about a deeper fear and constant worry about how others will judge you. You worry that they will see the worst version of you, or even that they have secretly excluded you. When you have social anxiety, your mind goes into overdrive, working overtime to understand what people might think of you.
Here's how it works:
You're constantly resolving mental conflicts. If someone pays you a compliment, but you think they're faking it, your brain gets all twisted up trying to work out what they really meant.
You always avoid drawing attention to yourself. Why is that? Because attention is a trap. Because attention is a trap. The thinking goes like this: if I'm invisible, I'm safe. But this safety comes at a price: you isolate yourself and lose the ability to question these assumptions.
Perfectionism sets in. Socially anxious people often try to 'fix' themselves behind closed doors, thinking they can perfect themselves before they come out into the world. What does this person believe? If I'm perfect, no one will criticize me.
And then comes the advice: “don't worry about what other people think!” At first glance, this idea is seductive: free yourself from judgement and be free. But for a socially anxious person, this advice backfires completely.
The message is often twisted into something much more insidious: People already have a bad opinion of you, and that's OK. You then get the unfortunate idea that other people's positive comments are wrong, that you're trapped in your own world, which is supposed to give you unshakable, autonomous value.
But let's face it: if you're socially anxious, it's not because you don't have standards and expectations of yourself. In fact, you already have expectations and standards that are too high and designed to be impossible to meet. The problem isn't that you care too much about other people's opinions, it's that your invalidating beliefs take precedence over reality.
We are what we say we are, so we must be careful what we say we are. - Kurt Vonnegut
Identity is negotiated
People have a fairly accurate idea of how others perceive their personality (for example, their sociability, intelligence and competence) and popularity. However, this accuracy mainly reflects the fact that we project our own theories onto others, rather than being able to read what others actually think of us.
Instead of pretending you don't care what other people think, try this: be more interested in their real opinions. We often tell stories that aren't true. Our inner dialogue, which I like to call 'the inner saboteur', creates a biased, harsh and completely inaccurate version of what other people think.
Why does it matter what other people think? Because people are mirrors. Identity is not a set of predetermined factors, it's not the same as personality. Our identities are constantly being negotiated. We need others to see aspects of ourselves that are invisible to us.
The way we treat others is closely linked to the inner story we tell ourselves about who we are.
Here's the paradox: it's impossible to know yourself completely. There are too many blind spots. But when someone smiles at you, encourages you, or even gently criticizes you, they are offering you a reflection that can help you understand who you are.
This is the 'Gaze' of Jacques Lacan, the French psychoanalyst. We see our reflection in the eyes of others, in the way they perceive our personality, our preferences and our behavior, and we often adopt this reflection - the reflective evaluation - as an integral part of our self-concept.
Does this mean that people are always right? Of course not. The internal narrative we have about ourselves is often flawed and distorted by the complex nature of our experiences, filtered through the prism of memory, as well as by the comments of everyone else, influenced by their own prejudices and limited perspectives.
But here's a secret: the opinion others have of you is usually much kinder and more realistic than the cruel opinion you have of yourself.
In my experience, most people who feel deeply unloved are actually very well-liked by those around them. They'll say 'I'm unattractive, I'm boring, I'm worthless', while their friends or family will describe them as funny, compassionate or talented. Who's more likely to be right: your inner critic or the people who've known you for years?
Finding the balance
This doesn't mean going from self-loathing to uncritical self-love overnight.
For many of us, such a leap seems impossible. It's more about finding a happy medium. You don't have to love yourself, but you can start to believe that the truth lies somewhere in the middle: 'I don't like myself very much. Other people seem to like me more than I do.
Living in this tension may seem uncomfortable, but it's much healthier - and much closer to the truth - than falling into extremes. True freedom is not about rejecting other people's opinions out of hand, but about learning to see them for what they are: pieces of a larger, often more compassionate puzzle of who you are.
This is your first step: opening up to others. Negotiating your identity is about reaching out to others with empathy and openness, without being paralyzed by false beliefs about yourself. By focusing on the effort it takes to be interested in the person you're talking to, you'll be less likely to let your fear get the better of you.
Believe that your community (friends, colleagues, etc.) are more competent than they seem. They are not as cruel or dishonest as they seem. They may not always be perfectly accurate, but they offer you something invaluable: proof that you are already enough, with your imperfections, and that you have the power to change the image people have of you.
Analytical psychotherapy can help you to understand the narrative that has contributed to building negative beliefs about yourself, and give you the tools to learn to negotiate your identity and gain confidence. Profound change can only be achieved through action.